Love, Hate, In, Out
by sdbubbles
Summary: It's never as simple as just hating him. That would be far too easy.


**A/N: Where this came from, I'm not sure. The idea appeared when I was waiting for a bus, and I've now been up for twenty-one hours, having done a twelve hour day in the garage without a rest, so it might not make much sense ;) it's set after "Good Day For Bad News."**

**Sarah x**

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Jac watched, from the main entrance, having been unable to find her motorbike helmet, as Serena sat at the bench under the tree. She looked torn. Serena Campbell never looked torn. Serena Campbell never _was_ torn. In Jac's experience the woman always knew what she wanted, even if it was someone's head on a stick.

Right now, Jac imagined there were a few heads Serena wanted to see on sticks. Edward's, for showing up here. Hanssen's, for not checking Edward's background before hiring him. Ric's, for befriending Edward. Mary-Claire's, for the memo promptly sent around hospital, telling of the bindings between Serena and Edward.

But that was out of sheer annoyance. The look she saw on Serena's face, even from this distance, was one of confusion. She was used to annoyance; confusion was not so common to see on Serena's face.

So that was why the redhead was stalking across the road with a paper cup full off full fat, sugary latte, her hands over the top so she didn't have to smell it. Lost in her own world, Serena didn't seem to notice Jac's approach, so she put her skinny hand on the older woman's shoulder. "Thought you could use it," she muttered to Serena, who looked a bit startled for some reason.

"You didn't-"

"I know I didn't have to," Jac cut her off as she sat down next to Serena.

"Thanks," the GS consultant smiled as she took the cup. She silently kept it away from Jac's nose, seemingly understanding how pregnancy had made her incapable of stomaching the smell of coffee.

"And anyway, anyone who's just got rid of the dreaded ex-husband after a month of working with him deserves caffeine, booze and a laugh." Serena wore a rather coy look. Oh, no. "You _have_ got rid of him, haven't you?"

"Um, no," Serena admitted with a sigh.

"And why not?" Jac demanded.

"Because Hanssen's decided we can't do Pri-Def without him. Trust Edward to be clued up about the one initiative Ric brings back from the States." Jac snorted at the irony but she did feel for Serena; it had to really suck to finally get to the end of putting up with an ex only for, on his last day, the boss to extend his stay. "It's not funny," Serena snapped.

"I know. Sorry," Jac smiled, trying to make Serena feel a little better about it all. "So. Why are you so hacked off then? Because you hate him or because there's some mad part of you that still loves him?"

Serena turned and Jac felt her scan her face with her dark eyes; she looked uncertain, another rare thing to see in Serena Campbell. "Hate," she answered simply, but Jac knew she was lying. She knew herself that it wasn't just an easy matter of hating someone. Not when it was someone once loved, with whom a child was shared, and with whom there was a long history of pushing and pulling. It was just easier to say, 'I hate you.'

Jac shook her head quietly. She had expect Serena to say she hated Edward but Jac knew without ever seeing them have a conversation together that it wasn't as simple and shallow as that. It never was. That would have been too easy. "You know there's no shame in admitting you still feel something for him, don't you?" Jac asked gently in a bout of rare kindness.

"The only thing I feel for that man is an overwhelming urge to surgically remove his tongue so he can't lie and his manhood so he can't screw around," Serena retorted bitterly. Jac stared at her for a moment before she started laughing, barely able to believe the Executive Clinical Director – or whatever Hanssen classed her as these days – had actually come away with something so petulant and juvenile. "Shut up!" Serena added, but she was unable to repress her own smile and giggle for very long.

Tears of laughter were streaming down Jac's face by the time she started to pull herself together. "Sorry," she apologised again.

"The hormones have addled your brain," Serena accused lightly. Jac wiped away the tears, still smiling, and tried to be serious again. "If he survives his six week trial period, I'll be Saint Serena of Holby."

Jac snorted again. "You'd snog him before you'd kill him."

"I would not!" Serena protested, but she was too forceful for Jac to believe her.

"Would."

"Wouldn't."

"Would." Serena stopped arguing, knowing that Jac wasn't going to relent. She knew the feeling too well. "There would be something wrong with you if that small insane part of you that still loves him wasn't there." Serena looked around expectantly so Jac elaborated. "You married him. You had a child with him. You were hurt by him, if the rumours are anything to go by. But no matter how much he hurt you, there's the bit that still sees him and not his mistakes, and loves what she sees."

"And you know all this, how?" Serena demanded, her eyebrow arched.

"You didn't change your name back, for starters," Jac pointed out.

"Have you ever attempted to change your name by Enrolled Deed Poll?" Serena asked sceptically.

"Yeah," Jac admitted. "I changed my name from Burrows to Naylor as soon as I turned eighteen. Well, by the quicker one. It was bad enough then. I can just imagine what it's like now. And, of course, you can't do the quick version because of all the official stuff you're on now. Yeah, point taken," Jac allowed. She was relieved that Serena didn't ask why Jac changed her name – she didn't think she could handle discussing Paula while she was pregnant and hormonal.

"Exactly. It wasn't worth the trouble."

"But that doesn't mean you don't still love him," Jac insisted. She was trying to make Serena see that over-simplifying it all did nothing to help. People weren't simple. Emotions weren't simple. Any combination of the two was inevitably going to be a complicated knot of tangled thoughts and feelings.

"Even if I did still...you know," Serena said, seemingly unable to process the words to come out of her mouth. "I'd never act on it." Jac kept quiet, but she knew breaking up and making up were like identical twins, one on either side of a person, always there to be the cause of a hurricane of emotions, passion and pain. "I'm not an idiot."

Jac pulled her jacket around her and zipped it up, the late August wind starting to pick up a little. "Nobody think you're an idiot," Jac promised her. "You're just trying to keep the storm at bay."

"So how do I get rid of it?" Serena asked, finally admitting what Jac knew was going on in her head and her heart.

"You can't," Jac shrugged.

"Yeah, that's not quite the answer I was looking for, Jac," she smiled sarcastically. It was the first time Jac had seen her visibly struggle, though she had heard that her mother's stroke had had an effect on her, so seeing Edward make Serena doubt herself felt a little bizarre to Jac.

Jac sighed and stretched up to sit on the table so she could get a better view of Serena's expression. She looked shaken and worried; it wasn't what Jac was used to seeing in her so it never failed to take her a little bit by surprise. "Once you've fallen in love, you never really fall out of love," Jac tried to explain how, in her experience, it all worked. "You tell yourself you hate them in the hope it'll one day become true. You bury the love you still feel and try and forget it's there. But you still love them. You never really stop. It doesn't matter what a person does to you, Serena. Once you're properly in love with them, you'll always love them on some level."

Serena didn't look convinced, and she looked like she was doubtful of every word Jac had just said. But it was an explanation, which was more than Jac suspected the woman had ever been given. It was a theory confirmed when Serena next spoke. "You know, you're the first person to tell me I'm not mental for still having a little bit of love left for Edward."

"It's normal," Jac reassured her. "People come and go, but when you truly fall for someone, they could be a million miles away and you'll still think about them and miss them. Even if they hurt you, you'll still feel something for them."

"And then I fall for him all over again; he cheats again; I get my heart broken again...it's bound to happen," Serena confessed quietly. "He knows me too well."

Jac smiled sadly, knowing that feeling of weakness Serena was so worried about succumbing to. "That's where willpower comes into it."

Serena drank from her cup in quiet contemplation. She was not a weak woman – Jac would set that record straight with anyone who dared question Serena's strength – but she was made vulnerable by the presence of a man she was trying not to love. To be around someone loved by emotion and loathed by common sense was a nightmare. "Want to know what makes it all more complicated?" Serena sighed, looking up at Jac. "He's getting divorced. That means I can't even use the excuse of not treating Milly Molly Mandy the way he treated me."

"'Milly Molly Mandy?'" Jac asked, an eyebrow raised at her boss.

"His child bride," Serena replied, seemingly unwilling to speak the woman's real name. The 'other woman' was someone she was bound to hate. "Ugh," she groaned. She leaned forwards, elbows on the table, and ran her hands through her hair. "What am I meant to do?!"

Jac took Serena's hands away from her face and made her look up. "You keep your head held high and acknowledge to yourself that you love him, and keep in mind you're smarter than him. When it gets to this stage, it's not about who hates who. It's about who's got the better brain. And if there's one thing I know about you, it's that you are one bloody smart woman," Jac explained to her.

Serena gave a quiet laugh. "I have my stupid moments," she admitted.

"Everyone does."

Serena nodded in acceptance of the fact that even the most intelligent of people occasionally did exceptionally moronic things. "When did you get so nice?" she asked.

Jac shrugged. "Blame it on the baby, I guess."

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**Hope this is OK!  
Please feel free to review and tell me what you think!  
Sarah x**


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